“Men seek comfort, confirmation that they are OK. Most men are, at heart, uncertain about themselves. They form a relationship and get married to affirm their place in the world. They learn, they think, how to treat a woman, how to be with her. They call that love. But ultimately it doesn’t seem to work. They wonder where love went.” This is a guest post by Dan Nthumbi.
It was never really love in the first place; it was an attempt to feel the comfort they found with their mother. A man’s wife, girlfriend or partner is not his mother. The love he needs to show her is of a totally different kind. It’s critical that a man understands this in learning how to love a woman.
Here are 10 ways to access this love and create an amazing relationship, how to love a woman:
1. Start by loving yourself. This is not being selfish. If you are unable to love yourself you are unable to love someone else. This is something men, particularly, have trouble with. They might respect themselves, think they’re absolutely amazing, but loving themselves, that’s a bit sissy. In actual truth it’s not, it’s the basis of life and the basis of a balanced personality. Anyone has had a troubled relationship should look, first of all, to themselves; this is often where the trouble lies.
2. Tell her you love her. This is lesson two of Love 101 for men; lesson two of how to love a woman. Tell her you love her! This means saying the words so she completely understands and is in no doubt about it. You love her. She needs you to say this all the time and she needs you to volunteer it, not say it in reply to her questioning. The worst thing a man can say is, “You know I do.” She doesn’t, that’s why she’s asking… Duh…
3. Just love her for herself. Our women all have qualities we love in them, perhaps they are smart, or sexy, or inspirational, or funny, or even rich. This is not why you love her; you love her just because of her, nothing else. Your love is not conditional; it is not based on any special qualities. You love her. Even though you celebrate everything that she is, even though you worship her for what she does in the world, she needs to know that you simply love her, no matter what. This is so crucial.
4. Live in your power. Whilst a man in love is an emotional being he must not stop being the man he is. Your love should come from the power inside yourself, from your very soul. The love must be part of your power as a man and it must be part of how you live. You must remain just who you are, you must be the man she met and fell in love with. She finds excitement in your masculine strength, particularly when it laced with love. Don’t ever let her down.
5. Don’t live in the past. Life does not always treat us well and we certainly don’t always treat life well. Things go wrong and we mess up all the time. Strife in our loving relationship is something to let go of once it’s over, it’s something to let slip into the past. We must learn the lessons and move on ensuring that we don’t go there again. But we must never dwell on the past and use it to either beat ourselves up or to judge our partner. Move on and live, always, in the present.
6. Get to know her. How often do you hear men say, “My wife doesn’t understand me!” What they really mean is, “I don’t understand my wife.” This is basic in learning how to love a woman. Love can only grow and deepen through understanding. You can never get to the point where you think you know everything about her, no woman is that simple. She is a complex person that even she doesn’t understand. You need to love her and get to know her with patience and determination.
7. Count your blessings. That means the blessings you have together, the things you have achieved together , all that you are as a couple. This should be a regular part of your life together. While I said, above, don’t live in the past, it’s ok to recount the great things in the past. This must be tempered with looking at the amazing things you are going to do in the future.
As a rule of thumb it is advisable to expect a future way beyond one that you can imagine. Expectations can lead to frustration if they limit you, expecting them to go way beyond is a good step into the future.
8. Give love, always. Love is about giving rather than receiving. Love is a creative force that grows out of the desire to give more than you receive. Yes, it is crucial that you are able to receive the love that is offered to you otherwise it quickly dies, but you have to focus on the contribution you make to her. ‘Give and you shall receive’, but give without expecting anything in return.
9. Pay attention to her. Women need attention all the time. It is absolutely vital for all men, wanting to know how to love a woman, to understand this. Many of the annoying habits that women have are merely attempts to get the attention of a man who is not paying her any attention. Take heed of them and pay attention. Men are focused and directed and can easily lose themselves in what they are doing. This is one of the qualities that many women love in their men, but not to the exclusion of them. Men need to find a balance that shows how important their woman is to them without losing their passion for their mission.
10. Start afresh each day.
Go back to step one.